


I wish I was happy (Dressed In Black)

by NikiMouse221



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, One Shot, One True Pairing, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:30:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4758188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiMouse221/pseuds/NikiMouse221
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2009!Dan has a hard time fitting in. His only escape is the internet, and mostly, Youtube.<br/>Will he finally find his happiness?<br/>Based on the true story of Phan, inspired by the lyrics of 'Dressed in black' by Sia</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wish I was happy (Dressed In Black)

-I had given up  
I didn't know who to trust- 

"I was never the popular kid at school. I have my few friends, but I'm not really sure if I can or should trust them." He wrote the first few words in his new 'diary'. He still thought it was a dumb idea but his therapist insisted he'll do it. "My only escape is the internet. Mostly a website called Youtube." He smiled at the page as he remembered the joy he feels watching his favorite person ever.

-So I designed a shell   
Kept me from heaven and hell-

"I want to be just like him." He continued filling up the blank page, "I already do look like him a bit, we have haircuts that look a like in some ways." He sighed, "He seems so happy and his happiness makes me happy. Sometimes I'd lock myself in my room for a whole day just to look at him. I wish I could talk to him," he scribbled few last words and closed the diary "I wish I was happy."

-And I had hit a low  
Was all I let myself know-

"I cut myself again today." He wrote down as a tear fell on the page "I try to stop and I hadn't done it in a while but I couldn't help it anymore, I had to." he looked up at the window, trying to dry out the tears.

-I had locked my heart   
I was imprisoned by dark-

"I was bullied again today" he continued to write "they laughed at my hair and clothes, they called me a 'wannabe emo' and stuff like this. I only wear black not cause I wan't to prove something to someone. I don't even care about them, I just like the color and I don't wanna be noticed. I feel worthless. I wish i was happy" 

-I was down for the count   
I was down I was out-

"I try to get him to tweet me back but I seem to always get lost in the crowd." he got used to writing in his diary daily by now. It seemed to help, it seemed like it was the only thing that really 'listened' to him. "my parents and my brother are at the amusement park with his friends. I faked a stomach ache and stayed home, not only for I didn't feel like it right now for also I feel kind of left out when I'm with my whole family" he sighed. "I wish I was happy." 

-I had lost it all   
Cause I was scared I was torn-

"I auditioned for the male lead for the school play today and got the part" he paused a little before writing the next bit, "but I gave it up because this big kid wanted it and I was worried he'll beat me up or something." 

-And I took to the night   
I'd given in to the fight-

"When the teacher asked me why I gave it up I said that theater is for losers. My friends heard me and I think they like me better now, so maybe it was worth the sacrifice?" He looked at his wrist, "or maybe not. I really wanted that part. I cut again. But he stopped me, I mean, his video did. He looked so happy and optimistic I had to stop hurting myself." he whipped the blood from his fresh cut "I wish I was happy" 

-I slipped further down   
I felt like I had drowned-

"I'm so sad lately." He looked at the new cut on his wrist ' I wish i was happy' "I hate everything about myself. I hate my school. I hate my family. I hate my friends. I hate that they make me drink with them. I hate what I've become. I hate everything. But I love him." He then took the blade from the table and crossed out 'happy'  
'I wish I was with him' 

-You found me dressed in black-

"I can't believe it!!!" it was the first time he actually smiled at the page he was about to fill, "he answered me. He actually twitted me back!!! I wish I'd always be this happy!" 

-Hiding way up at the back  
Life has broken my heart into pieces-

"Today was pretty shitty. I got beat up at school. I tried watching his videos to calm down. It usually helps. But not today for some reason. I tried sending him a mail knowing he'll never answer. But he did. And somehow we ended up on Skype, we talked for hours! He made me feel much better." He heard a noise from his computer, "and now he's calling me on Skype, again. He makes me so happy"

-You took my hand in yours  
And started breaking down my walls-

"He convinced me to start my own Youtube channel. I think I'm doing pretty well, I already have a couple hundreds on subscribers. We are going to meet soon. I will be so happy" 

-And you covered my heart in kisses-

"Now that you look at my wrists you can't even see the scars, as if him kissing me not only made me a new person psychologically but also made me a new person physically.   
P.s he was the best kiss I've ever had. I was so happy" 

-I thought life passed me by   
Missed my tears ignored my cries  
Life as broken my heart my spirit-

"My Youtube channel is doing really well! I never thought I could actually be successful in this area" he thought for a moment and then looked back at the page. The diary was almost full   
"Ever since I stopped preforming at the school theater I made bad decisions. I'm happy I sorted it out now" 

-But then you crossed my path   
You quelled my fears you made me laugh -

"I'm going to uni soon. Him and I are really good 'friends' now. He saved me. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm going to the University of Manchester so I'll be near him. Just the thought of that makes me happy" 

-And you covered my heart in kisses-

"I moved in with him today.   
I haven't had a best friend for the first 18 years of my life. I was so sad and damaged, but now..." He looked at him over the cover of the diary and smiled to himself   
"I'm happy"


End file.
